Safety Planning

HOW TO TRY TO END AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

First, ask yourself these questions:

1. Are you ready to end the relationship?
   Keep in mind that ending any relationship is never easy, especially an abusive one. Writing a list of positive and negative things in your relationship may help you make this decision. If you are ready, keep that list for yourself and re-read it if you are having doubts after the breakup.
2. Do you feel safe ending the relationship?
   If you don’t feel safe…
   Call Schuylkill Women in Crisis’s free and confidential 24-hour hotline at 570.622.6220 or 800.282.0634 for help in figuring out a safety plan. Don’t break up in person. Doing so may seem cruel, but you may not be safe with the abuser when he realizes he has lost control over you.
   
   Even if you feel safe…
   Break up in a public place. Have a family member or friend waiting nearby. Take your cell phone with you. Tell your parents and friends you are ending the relationship in case your ex decides to come to your home.
3. What should I do after the breakup?
   After a victim ends an abusive relationship, the risk of violence is even greater. Talk to a SWiC counselor for safety planning and help in healing. Talk to friends and family for support. Avoid isolated areas. Don’t walk alone or go places alone. Save any threatening or harassing emails or text messages. Stay off social networking sites, such as Facebook and Twitter.

If you feel in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.

AFTER LEAVING AN ABUSER

Leaving an abuser does not mean that the abuse is over. Abusers may react in several predictable ways, and knowing what an abuser may do can help you prepare for what to expect. Again, the most dangerous time for the victim is when s/he leaves the abuser. Keep in mind the following when safety planning:

The abuser will likely try to locate you.

One of the perpetrator’s first responses will be to try to locate you. They may go to friends and family who they think will help you. Depending upon the history of their relationship with them, the perpetrator may either threaten them or attempt to gain their sympathy. If they do not know where you are, only that you are safe and well, they cannot be intimidated into disclosing your location. If the perpetrator preys upon their sympathies, the story may be such a distortion of actual circumstances that they may even try to persuade you to return to the abuser. Remember: The batterer can be charming and persuasive, so be prepared for him to use this tactic on others.

The abuser may apologize.

If the perpetrator does make contact with you, by whatever means, they will probably first try to apologize and promise to change their behavior. They may also promise other things that you have wanted, such as attending marriage counseling, buying something, or even having another child. They will promise whatever will get you to return.

The abuser may make threats.

If previous strategies for getting you to return have not worked, the perpetrator will next try threats and intimidation. He may threaten to harm family and/or friends, you, or the children. He may also threaten to take the children away from you or threaten harm to himself. SWiC counselors and advocates can help you choose a safe, appropriate response to specific threats.

The abuser may promise counseling and/or religion.

“Finding” religion may also be a manipulative tool to get you to return. The abuser may suddenly become active in a particular church to prove that he has changed. The abuser may enlist a counselor or spiritual leader to encourage you to return to the relationship and help the batterer complete his redemption. Those who accept responsibility for their wrongdoings must understand that their behavior has consequences which may not include forgiveness by the victim and/or restoration of trust or the relationship.

The abuser may plead.

The abuser may cry, beg, and plead for reunification. These efforts may occur in a public setting so that you are embarrassed or appear to be “hard-hearted.” The perpetrator may further harass by leaving excessive telephone messages, misusing public systems to frustrate you (e.g., initiating unnecessary court actions, reporting you for fraudulent behavior to welfare, etc), or showing up at your place of work or annoying friends and family. SWiC counselors and advocates can help you choose a safe, appropriate response to specific threats.

The abuser may ask you to meet with him.

The abuser may claim to be despondent, depressed, or even suicidal. You are not able to help him by meeting with him. If you are concerned about his well-being, ask others who care about him to get involved or call 9-1-1. Do NOT meet with him alone or in a secluded place; in fact, you are safest if you do not meet with him at all. Most domestic violence-related homicides occur while a victim is trying to leave or shortly thereafter

Safety planning tips for after you have left an abuser include:

• Change all locks to your residence. Keep all doors and windows locked at all times.
• Change phone number or phone plan. If abuser gave phone as a gift, it may be safest to buy a new phone.
• Change passwords to all accounts.
• Consider deleting your accounts on social media.
• Try to make your schedule unpredictable to the abuser. For example, shop at different stores and/or at different times; get rides with different people and/or take different routes; park at different places; open new accounts at new banks.
• Keep a copy of any court orders with you at all times, and keep a copy at work or school or daycare centers.
• Give a photo of the abuser to your employer, teachers, daycare workers, trusted neighbor. Warn neighbors, friends, and family about your situation.
• Save any voicemails, emails, texts, or other communications from the abuser.

HAVE YOU DECIDED TO STAY?

Most victims leave an abusive relationship 3-7 times and return again before leaving for good, but some decide to stay for a number of reasons. If you have decided not to leave an abuser, here are some things to keep in mind for safety planning:

• Learn where to get help if necessary; memorize emergency phone numbers.
• Keep a phone in a room you can lock from the inside. If you can, get a cellular phone (SWiC may be able to help you) that you keep with you at all times.
• Plan an escape route out of your house (and teach it to your children).
• Think about where you would go if you need to escape.
• Stay away from the kitchen where the abuser has easy access to weapons. Stay away from bathrooms, closets, or small places where the abuser can trap you. Teach this point to your children.
• Pack a bag with important things you would need if you had to leave quickly; put it in a safe place, or give it to a friend or relative you trust.
• If applicable, take pictures of bruises, injuries, damaged property, etc.
• Call SWiC’s hotline to discuss a more in-depth safety plan.

SAFETY PLANNING FOR CHILDREN

SWiC’s Children’s Advocate can conduct safety planning with children and include a parent who is not the abuser. However, the following are key points to make your children safer:

• Teach children not to get in the middle of a fight, even if they want to help. They can help the victim more by remaining safe.
• Teach children to stay away from the kitchen and any areas in the home where they could get trapped. Instead, teach them how to get to safety (possibly a nearby home) and who to call for help. For example, teach them how to use speed dial or voice dial, how to call 911, and to give address and phone number to the police.
• Give the principal and school or the daycare center a copy of any court orders. Tell them not to release your children to anyone without talking to you first, and use a password so they can be sure it is you on the phone. Give them a photo of the abuser.
• Make sure the children know who to tell at school if they see the abuser.
• Make sure the school knows not to give your address or phone number to ANYONE.

COMPUTER SAFETY

Click here for information on staying safe from an abuser while working online.

PHONE SAFETY

• Traditional “corded” phones are more private than cell phones or cordless phones. You may not be able to reach 9-1-1 using an internet phone or internet-based phone service. You may need to be prepared to use another phone to call 9-1-1.
• If you use a cell phone, be aware there are numerous ways an abuser can use cell phone technology to overhear your calls or locate you. Use a cell phone only if you do not have access to a regular phone, and make sure that you do not give any identifying details on a cell phone. If your abuser works for a phone company or law enforcement agency, use extreme caution, and discuss cell phone safety with a domestic violence advocate.
• Do not use a cell phone that has been a gift from your abuser or is on the same account as your abuser’s phone. He will be able to access logs of your calls and texts and even be able to locate you through the phone’s GPS (Global Positioning System) which is a location-finding feature. A cell phone in "silent mode" or "auto answer" can serve as a tracking device. If you are fleeing from your abuser, either turn off your cell phone or leave it behind.
• Wireless carriers are required to complete 9-1-1 calls, even when a phone is not activated. Any phone that turns on and receives a signal is capable of making 9-1-1 calls. NOTE: If the phone you're using isn't activated, (i.e., no phone number is assigned to it), and you're disconnected from the 9-1-1 dispatch center, you must call 9-1-1 back.
• You can obtain a donated used cell phone from SWiC in order to be able to call 9-1-1.